Oscarzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

I was bored, frankly.

But last night in Hollywoodland, Oscar deigned one or two suprises, maybe.

WHAT SUPRISED ME:

- 'Crash' winning Best Picture...
The big SUPRISE that even after the announcement, all the press was immediately chirping away at Brokeback Mountain's upset for Best Picture. I was almost sure it would go to Brokeback Mountain, but perhaps Oscar voters favored Brokeback as more of an intellectual achievement than a commercial champion. It picked up best Original Score (beating out Williams' 'Geisha'), best Adapted Screenplay (good for McMutry), best director (Lee, whom I was sure would never return to form after the debicle that was Hulk). I haven't seen Crash, but perhaps now I will. On a personal note, most of this gritty crime drama, urban culture, race issues, pimp/whore bullshit really turns me off. I don't relate to it, or understand it in anyway. This includes the pimpalicious 'Hustle & Flow' which probably only earned best Song because Oscar voters saw that the title of the song had the word 'Pimp' in it. Wowie... I'm not impressed. To me, this whole hip-hop culture is shallow and only involves those who live life in the streets, etc. It doesn't appeal to me at all, and perhaps this is why I haven't seen crash yet.

-'Wallace and Grommit' wins best Animated Feature...
Winning an Oscar could be seen as a reflection of the popular vote of a certain group of Hollywood elitists (the Academy members). I shouldn't be suprised here, but in a way I am. Tim Burton certainly works within his own little world/idiom, but you think after nearly 25 years of making some of the most odd and memorable pictures in cinema (Batman, Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands), Oscar would give Tim Burton his due with Corpse Bride. Nay, and just I as I suspected, the "popular vote" went to Wallace and Grommit. I haven't seen W&G yet, but it looks just as wild and imaginative as Corpse Bride. I'd still vouch for Corpse Bride as being much more refined graphically and elegant. Still, it looks like Oscar voters went with the instant crowd pleaser. The Oscar is a high honor, but in 20, 30 years, it will be the work of Tim Burton that most people will remember is my guess, not some cheeky British clay puppets.

-Lauren Bacall stutters through her tribute to film noir...
If she has something like Parkinsons, some condition that limits her motor abilities, then she cannot help it. But last night, one of Hollywood's last great greats delivered her tribute to film noir as if at an optometrist's office, and she had a hard time reading the eye chart (or in the case of the Oscars, a teleprompter). It was kind of sad, suprising, to say the least, as she struggled with words and fought to even get the montage clip. At one point, it would seem like she'd just give up, or be escorted off the stage. It was like watching a graceful, aged swan in flight suddenly spontaneously combust and plummet to earth, a pile of charred white feathers and ashes. Even while watching the annual 'In Memoriam' portion of the ceremony, with images of the likes of Anne Bancroft posed in slow motion, I couldn't help but feel like the Golden Age of Hollywood is long dead, a mummified creaton whose counterparts are slowly fading into old age and obscurity.

-Don Knotts AWOL from 'In Memoriam'
Oh yeah, speaking of 'In Memoriam', where the fuck was DON KNOTTS! 'The Incredible Mr. Limpett', 'The Ghost and Mr. Chicken'... C'mon Oscar! Maybe he fell by the wayside, and Oscar has strict "Must Die Between Such-and-Such Dates" guidelines for inclusion in the 'In Memoriam' MONTAGE!

WHAT DID NOT SUPRISE ME...

-Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins Best Actor...
It was a gimme, and he truly deserved it. His win did not suprise me, but his acceptance speech did, because it was probably the most unremarkable acceptance speech from a Best Actor winner in a few years. Last year, Jamie Foxx extolled the wisdom of his late-grandmother with great aplomb. This year, Hoffman thanked his mother (single, who raised him and his 3 other siblings alone), and then preceeded to invite everyone in the audience to thank her for raising him. Sure. Okay. This would be most effective if the Oscars were held on Mother's day, then everyone would have a good reason to thank everyone elses mother for raising such a bright young actor! You know, he's a brilliant actor, and Capote was the role of a lifetime for Hoffman. But for someone of such intellectual credit, he had the oppurtunity, as did any winner last night, to create an Oscar moment, one that would be worth showing in a montage of great acceptance speeches during the Oscars in the coming years. Perhaps Hoffman should be recognized for his straightforward approach and simplicity. However, for one of the strongest nominees in his category, he could have done better in terms of an acceptance speech.

-John Stewart
Before the telecast commenced, Stewart assured the press there would be no suprises during the show, when he took the stage. No brash political commentary, no scathing rants about the current administration, nothing out of sorts. And he delivered. Stewart played the part of the Oscar emcee with a certain relaxed coolness. Sure, there were some funny moments (esp. when Stewart motioned to the giant blue Oscar statue behind him, asking the audience if there would be "democracy in Hollywood...if we pulled it down?"), but nothing the audience in the Kodak Theatre responded too with gut-busting abandon. It was rather droll, and Stewart held over the audience like a guest speaker giving an after dinner speech, as if everyone was bellyfull, stuffed, and needed a jolly anecdote or story to allow for digestion. Unlike Whoopi, Billy Crystal, or Carson, Stewart didn't seem to realize the gravity of the event. He acted and carried himself no different than he does nightly on the Daily Show. I enjoyed him as a host, but I was not suprised. As each award was handed out, the evening slipped into the comfortable confines of mediocrity.

-MONTAGES!
Next to studded starlets in glistening gowns, strapping actors in too-tight suits, Jack Nicholson (whom Kiera Knightly was lovingly sat next to ((in my fancies, Jack has one too many Scotch on the rocks and drunkenly woes Knightly, whom immediately takes to his advances))), Oscar night just wouldn't be Oscar night with a MONTAGE! (Cue the one song from Team America: World Police) Appropriate but boorish were the "tributes" to select film genres...the EPIC, the SOCIALLY/POLITICALLY RELEVANT film, the FILM NOIR... Somewhere, deep within the vaults of a Hollywood cemetary, Billy Wilder couldn't care less.

IN GENERAL...
This year's Oscar ceremonies yielded too few suprises to keep a general audience absolutely riveted for 3+ hours. I'd like to thank my DVR for making the evening seem that much more tolerable. The winners in their respective categories were all too easy to pick out as winners. How could Hoffman loose? Who wouldn't resist for rosy-cheeked beauty of Witherspoon? How could Clooney not walk away without atleast one Oscar for either Syriana or Good Night...? How could a song with the word PIMP in the title not get best Original Song in a category with only 3 nominees? How could a RAP song with the word PIMP in the title possibly loose to another yelping Dolly Parton tune? Last night's Oscars just made sense, and those that took home a little golden man deserved it, beyond a shadow of a doubt.